The challenges of choosing me first.
Last week I wrote a blog about ‘choosing me first’ (http://growingforward.wordpress.com/2008/06/11/choosing-me-first/) and today I was met with one of the challenges.
As I realized last week that I’m authentic 98% of the time, I was faced with the reality that the other 2% represents my daughter and husband - and in that order. I seem to get so lost in the idea of ‘giving my child what I didn’t have’ (does that sound familiar to anyone out there?) that I tend to sway towards her and sacrifice myself without giving it any thought. Well, that’s because I’ve been doing it for almost 12 years now so it’s kind of an old habit. However, after my blog last week I’ve been staying true to myself first and have been doing my best to not get ’sucked in’ by my old habits.
Today there came a challenge. My daughter was upset because she didn’t have something particular to wear…a skirt. Today I allowed myself to listen to what she was saying in a whole different way. I didn’t realize that she spoke to me at times with so much disrespect. I guess I’ve been ‘blinded by love.’ Which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just that since I now see and hear it - I need to choose me first.
Parenting is one of the biggest challenges out there - Unless of course you’re medicating your child. (http://growingforward.wordpress.com/2008/06/18/medicating-our-children/) One of the other big challenges is honouring what’s true for you before ’swaying’ and doing what’s right for someone else. Hmmm, being me and being me as a parent is now having a different spin on my life.
I now stop and reflect on how I’ve lived my life as Meagan’s mother and realize that I have been creating a slow death for myself (metaphorically speaking of course…or not). I know that if I don’t do what I feel is right for myself, then I know enough to know that I’ll end up with health issues and that is certainly not my plan.
So this morning I stood up for myself and shared my thoughts how certain things are clearly her responsibility and not mine. “Yes (she says), but you’ve always taken care of it”. Yes, (me speaking) you’re right - and now it’s time for a change and that change means that I will no longer take responsibility for things that are not mine to deal with. Your clothes either go in the laundry and get washed, or they don’t. If you want a particular thing to wear, then it is up to you not me to make sure that they’re in the laundry or…if you share with me the fact that you’d like them for a special occasion - with a heads up, I’ll more than likely be happy to have them ready for you. But don’t be shifting your responsibilities to me…no more.
It was somewhat of a ‘heated’ discussion and I expected nothing less. After all, I’m the one that clearly created this situation and now I was saying that I was changing my mind. How dare I. 
And…I do dare.
Neither one of us had that loving feeling this morning as she waited for the bus, however my routine is to tell her (kind of yell because of all the traffic in the morning), that I love her and then as the bus starts to pull away I always stay and wave. This morning in-spite of what took place, that was no different.
I have tears right now because although I was firm as I spoke, I know that it wasn’t easy for her and I know that it wasn’t easy for me. I love her so much and would give my life for hers. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for almost 12 years now and it’s now time to stop.
By creating something different for myself, I allow her to create something different for herself as well. She doesn’t need me waiting on her hand and foot. She never asked me to. I just decided to do it and kept doing it. I think of all the times that she wanted to be independent and I said No…let me do it for you. Well after this many years I can expect that it isn’t going to be easy on either one of us.
Letting Go of The Past AND…Growing Forward.
Amy